Tia Mowry, It’s Not What You Say; It’s What People Hear

Tia Mowry recently ignited a firestorm by referring to herself as a single mom. The controversy is a reminder that Frank Luntz was right: “it’s not what we say, it’s what people hear.”

Let me explain.

When we speak, our audience filters what we say through their lived experience and core beliefs. We speak based on our own lived experiences and core beliefs. Sometimes there is a divergence between what we say and what people hear. For instance, have you ever gotten into a fight with a loved one because you made a comment that they deemed offensive or triggering? If you answered yes, you may appreciate the importance of carefully selecting your words or thinking about your audience before you speak.

Conceptions About Single Moms

When many people hear the phrase ‘single mom,’ they imagine a woman living paycheck to paycheck in a dead-end job, shuttling between school and home, and buckling under the pressure of raising children. They envision someone whose life is marred by poverty, emotional stress and a lack of support from her children or child’s father.  If this is your experience, this will also be the lens through which you filter communication about single mothers.

While unmarried mothers are more likely to live in poverty, not all single mothers are struggling financially. Many people don’t have a category for unmarried mothers of means. They can’t imagine that a woman can be a single mother, financially comfortable, and in a good co-parenting relationship with her child’s father.

As soon as Tia Mowry said that she was a ‘single mom,’ some people likely heard, “I’m struggling,” and others heard, “I’m just like you.” She didn’t say that, but that is what some people likely inferred.

However, a single mother is someone raising children while being unmarried. Using this definition, Tia Mowry can absolutely consider herself a single mom. Her identification as a single mom doesn’t mean that her ex-husband Cory Hardrict isn’t an active and engaged father. He may, in fact, be a loving presence in the lives of his children.

Do You Want to Be Heard?

To increase the likelihood of being heard, Mowry should have acknowledged that she is a single mother with a degree of privilege. She has the privilege of fame, the privilege of celebrity, and we assume a degree of wealth that the average single mother doesn’t have.

That’s because Mowry is celebrity and so is her ex-husbad. Many in the Black community grew up watching Mowry and her sister Tamara in the sitcom Sister, Sister. They have other film credits as well. When the Black community sees actors and actresses on screen, they confer on them wealth that some may not have. Single mothers struggling to make ends meet were likely disturbed by Mowry’s identification.

That doesn’t mean that her life is problem-free. However, she may have more resources to weather various challenges associated with child-rearing. I think when people are struggling to make ends meet, they get pretty annoyed when persons with privilege do or say things that suggest, “I’m just like you.”

Additionally, not long ago, Mowry posted a family photo of her, Hardrict, and their children. Her followers may have been confused when she referred to herself as a single mom, if they simultaneously saw a photo of her, her ex-husband and their children.

Do This Before You Speak

Before you speak, think about your audience. Ask yourself is there anything that would prevent your audience from hearing you. If you can think of anything, address it.

Communicate with intention. Had Mowry simply acknowledged, “now I get that I have privileges that others do not…,” I don’t think people would have been offended.

Remember that the higher your profile, the more attention you will receive for the mundane and the major. Posting on social media as a celebrity is very different from posting as a non-celebrity. That means celebrities can’t afford to not consider the impact of their words, and the response their words and actions may trigger. It’s not fair, but not all things in life are fair.

Jennifer R. Farmer, aka The PR Whisperer,^® is the principal of Spotlight PR LLC. Be sure to check out other blogs and subscribe for regular communications updates.